I'm becoming what I dreaded becoming again. I feel disgusting and out of control. I didn't carry on calorie counting because I didn't want it to take over my life.

Yesterday was a good day. I had three small meals and didn't touch anything outside of those meals once. That should be 'normal', not a 'good' day. :S And I felt great about myself after I'd done it.

Shame is, today didn't go as well. I was fine untill I got home from school at around 2:30. At 3:00, my mum went to get my brother from his school. I wanted a cup of hot cocoa (not hot chocolate - this has about 20 calories a cup - don't tell me off) and I was caught COMPLETELY off-guard when I opened the cupboard and there are absolutely TONS of my mother's stupid marzipan sweets staring at me. In case you don't know, she's a cake decorator and makes all these stupid sweets lately too. Not thinking straight, I had a few. Immediately I regretted it and I felt extremely bad.

What did I do then? Forget my drink - I ran upstairs and didn't get off the exercise bike for half an hour untill she came back. According to the bike, I burnt 350 calories (of course, it doesn't take into account my weight, and I wouldn't be surprised if I burnt only half that amount) of the 420 calories in 100g of marzipan which I probably ate. I know I can't blame my mother for making them - it's her job. But I DO know for a fact that if we didn't keep tons of this cake-y stuff in the house, it would be a million times easier to avoid.

Two things I seriously need to learn to control:
1. Guilt. I feel guilt after I eat anything with significant amounts of calories. It's not normal and I need to get over it - but I've never been able to. I don't know why. It's not as simple as telling me 'forget it and start over' because it's still there floating around my brain making me feel disgusted.
2. There is NO EXCUSE for me to go and eat sweets. EVER. I need to get that stuck back in my head so that when I find them unexpectedly and aren't thinking about 'don't eat sweets' I won't have them.

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CRITTERJITTERS - In theory, that would work. It works for most people, from what I've heard. But I'm someone who cannot just have the tiniest bit of something and be ok with it. It's safer for me not to have any because if I have even a bit of something, I'll go back for more. It's revolting - I know. I feel guilty more if I know how unhealthy something is (like my mum's sweets) and no matter how small a piece I eat of it, that guilt still comes as much as ever.

LIKEXVINESSS - Again, nice idea in theory, but everyone who knows me well on here knows about how backwards my mother is and how she doesn't like the idea of me being healthier. Isn't 'healthy sweets' a bit of an oxymoron anyway? Just because it's not as unhealthy as another option doesn't make it healthy.

EVEYWREN - Nice words there. :) Only the thing is, it tends to be more unplanned times when I have sweets around, like today when I unintentionally found them in the cupboard while mum was out. But I totally get what you mean about if you have sugar you want more sugar. I drink water all the time now too, which is definetly a good thing.